Friday, January 23, 2015

2 Weeks of Intuitive Eating

Today marks one week and one day since I took a huge leap in my journey.
For almost exactly 2 years now, I've been following a strict, ridged, and necessary meal plan.
2 years, friends. 
For 2 years I have not been free to choose the quantity of what I eat, nor have I been able to choose to skip meals or snacks.
Following a meal plan has been, as I mentioned before, was absolutely necessary and vital.
Without it, I would restrict certain food groups, and under-eat.
With it, I was free to eat what my body needed, and I had freedom to eat the foods that I had previously ruled out.
And now, 2 long years later, I am meal plan free.
(Insert cheering and huge smiles!!)

Yes, today marks two weeks since I have been off the meal plan!
Things have gone pretty well over all.
I am including all the food groups in my diet, I'm eating difficult foods, and I'm enjoying freedom.
But then there's my weight.
I don't know what my weight is doing, and don't see my dietician for 2 more weeks.
Some days, like today, I feel like I've gained.
And then I also feel like maybe I've lost a bit.
I can usually tell when I losing weight, because, very ironically, my body image gets really bad.
It would seem the opposite, but eating disorders just don't follow logic.

So, I feel really good about the step I've taken.
Its another leap towards freedom, and I can honestly say that freedom is what I truly want.
I do not want my life to ruled by calories and therapy and meal plans.
I need my life to be ruled by God and his plan.
So, please keep me in your prayers, friends.
Please pray that I'll continue on strong, and that I'll continually feel better about my healthy body.
And if you need anything to be covered in prayer, please let me know!
I'd love to pray for/with you anytime.
And with that, have a good weekend!

Thursday, January 22, 2015

Conflicted - I need your help

Sweet friends, I feel as though I there is a war raging inside of me.
Let me explain myself...
In order to be healed, God required my complete and total surrender to Him.
I had to surrender my body, my exercise, my caloric intake, my body image... the whole works.
That surrender happened slowly over time, but it did happen.
Now I know that being surrendered is actually the most liberating experience. 
I am now free to follow God, and free to do his will.
When he says go, I need to be free to go.  When he says talk to this person, I need to be willing to step out of my comfort zone and go talk.  Believe me, that's a big step.
I'm not going to lie, I don't always follow his lead. 
Being shy, I sometimes feel him leading me to talk with people who I'm uncomfortable around, and I don't always do it. 
But I'm trying.  More and more, I obey, and the more I do, the freer I become.
Now when I feel God calling to do something, take this step or that step, to do this or not do that, I want to unconditionally obey.
When I see that something is taking away from my relationship with him,
I want to change it. 
Which brings me to my dilemma...
2 weeks ago, I got an Instagram account. 
To be honest, I have really enjoyed it.  It has been so positive and encouraging,
and I've been able to reconnect with my "sisters" from treatment.
I've posted on it, and I've been so encouraged from the sweet comments people have left.
I feel like it maintains the relationship with my friends who live too far for me to see them.
But then there has been a downside.
I see pictures of girls who have the "ideal" body, and it makes me second guess the acceptance I have on my own.
I see girls who are stunningly pretty, girls who are a huge "success" on the Instagram world.
Then I wonder why I don't measure up.
Friends, even with my healing, I have struggles.
I struggle with numbers.
my weight.
my height.
the number of comments I get on my blog,
on my Instagram posts,
the number of followers I have on both of those,
the number of hours it takes me to do school in a day,
my grades,
And then I find that I spend a lot of time on Instagram.
So I made a rule that after 8:30pm, there would be no internet. 
That times was reserved just for me and God.
But somehow I am still distracted.
My mind always goes back to the upbeat things on Instagram, and I have trouble quieting myself enough to hear God's voice.
I have asked him if He wants me to give it up, because I am willing to do so.
For some reason, though, I don't have a strong feeling that I need to do so.
So I've continued to pray.
I've continued to talk things out with my mom.
And I need your help.
How do you handle social media?
Do you find that it distracts you from God?
From your purpose and calling?
What do you suggest I do?

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Growing Up

My heart is overwhelmed with gratefulness today.
So much has happened in my life. 
The truth is that God has happened! 
No longer am I the sick, searching little girl I used to be.
I am now becoming the fulfilled encourager, the hope-bringer, and the Christ following woman who I was created be.
For as long as I can remember, I  never wanted to grow up.
I wanted to stay an innocent little child,
 always able to hide behind my parents when I was uncertain or shy.
I never wanted the adult, grown-up body because I was so scared of what that would bring.
I didn't want to a separate person from my parents.
And, in all honesty, I didn't know who that person was.
I completely trusted my mom and dad, but could I trust me? 
Could I do it on my own?
The answer is no.
No, I cannot trust me.
No, I cannot do it on my own.
But God.
I am now no longer trying to do it on my own, and I am no longer trying to figure out who I am.
I know who God is, and I have personally experienced his healing power.
Because I know who God is, I now know who I am.
I understand myself through him, and I am learning how I fit into his picture.
Now I can trust God.
And I can do life through him. 
On my own, no way!
With God? totally. 

Monday, January 12, 2015

So, What do ya think?

Things have been changed around here at Brittany's World!
How do you like the new header?
I have also revised the pages, and plan to add new one at some point in the future. 
So which do you like better?
The old:

or the new?

My Choice - and How Friends Helped Change It (More of my Story of Healing)

This is another chapter in my story of healing. 
To read my previous two post on this topic, click here and here.
Please be carful as you read this. 
Know that I was very sick - both physically and emotionally - at this time, and the choices I was making at the time were not helping me to get better.
I write these posts to bring glory to the Lord, to thank Him for His healing, and to encourage others who may be going through this or who want to know how I am doing now.
I currently consider myself healed, and that only by the grace of God and help from others. 
That being said,
please enjoy the third post in the series entitled, "My Healing".
I distinctly remember that afternoon.
In fact, I remember most of that day.
It was a warm day, somewhere in March or April, I think.
Mere weeks before I would be admitted into inpatient treatment.
I knew my sweet friend was coming to visit me and talk, and I knew she would ask me about my eating.
Because I knew this, I ate my lunch without putting up a fight.
(Something that never happened.)
We sat out side and chatted for a bit,
and then she looked me in the eyes and asked,
"Your mom said you ate your lunch today.  What helped you do that?"
At bit embarrassed, realizing that she must know that I rarely ate without a struggle, I answered,
"I knew you were coming, and I didn't want to disappoint you.  You've helped me and my family so much.  I don't deserve it, but I wanted to thank you."
People were doing so much for my family.
Bringing us meals, babysitting, coming to talk and pray with me, and simply just being there for us.
It was so humbling to know that people loved and cared about my family me so much, yet I was embarrassed that so many people knew how I was struggling.
Looking back I see that all they had to do was look at my to see something wasn't right,
several times a group of moms spent there Saturdays cooking meals for my family for the coming week.
It made me want to cry, because I was choosing to stay sick.
I was choosing not to eat the meals that so many people poured there hearts into.
I honestly felt as though I couldn't eat, although I know that it was a choice to feel that way.
I would compare the amount of calories I had eaten when I was in control of my intake, to the amount of calories I was being forced to eat then.
It was often times double or triple (sometimes even quadruple), and I could not stand that.
I was terrified of food, yet food was the only thing that could make me better. 
Yet when I had the accountability of a friend outside the family who sincerely cared about and loved me, I would want to choose to do what I had to.
As my friend and I chatted,
we prayed for healing.
After praying I shared what God had whispered to my heart the night before.
I lifted my eyes, trying to hold back tears and failing, and squeaked out,
"God told me that He's healed me.  He told me that the chains that hold me down have been broken, but he said that I must choose to step away from them."
Both our eyes filled (mine overflowing), and I looked away.
It was the truth.
I had the choice to be healed,
and I was choosing to stay in bondage because of fear.
I wasn't directly thinking, "Wow, I love this!  I think I'm going to stay painfully underweight, put my family through a world of hurt, and go to therapy for the rest of my life!"
Not at all.
I hated, I mean hated, what I was putting my family through, and I honestly didn't even like my body.
But the thought of the calories I would need to consume to gain all the weight I needed was paralyzing scary.
At the time, I despised feeling full,
and my malnourished body couldn't hold all the food required of me and not feel full.
So I chose to stay in bondage.
 Healing is a choice.
It is not a choice to have certain thoughts or feelings, but it is our choice how we respond to them. 
There is a quote that says,
"You cannot determine what birds fly over your head, but you can determine which ones make a nest in your hair."
How true!
Just as later in my journey, I made the choice to surrender,
you must make choices in your life.
You must choose which thought you hang onto, and which thoughts you must dismiss as lies of Satan.
What do you need to choose to stop or start?
What will help you make those choices?
Feel free to leave me a message and I will pray for you, and message you back.

My Story of Healing... 
to be continued!

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